Preschool for Matthew

Not only is Nathan growing up and off to first grade, now my Matty is in preschool. He's always been my shy boy. He'd much rather just sit and watch everyone else than get into the action and it is so difficult to get him to talk to adults. So I decided even though he is young yet, I'd put him in preschool this year just to get him to be more comfortable in that type of setting. He's already becoming a little more outgoing at times, but I think he is still very quiet at school from what I have observed. I hope he makes lots of new friends and has a great time while helping with his shyness. When I pick him up he just grins the whole way home. I can't get him to tell me a whole awful lot about it, but I sure think he's having fun.

School Time

Update: Nathan had a great first day of school. He was excited when he woke up that morning and couldn't wait to get there. He likes his teacher and he has a few friends from last year in his class that he's looking forward to getting to know better (though he is a bit disappointed a few of his close friends from last year are in a different class). I handled it okay, I teared up a little, but since it's inevitable that he's going to grow up, I took it all in stride. I hope he continues to enjoy it as much as he has so far.

Nathan's first day of preschool:

Nathan's first day of kindergarten:

It's that time of the year again. I know I've said it the last two years, but this year I mean it as much as ever...I'm just not sure I'm ready for my baby to go! Preschool was hard for me, I mean that was the first time I'd ever really left Nathan somewhere for any significant amount of time. But of course he loved it, so I adjusted, and I was so happy for him to make new friends and learn new things. The year went quickly and he loved every minute of it!

Then kindergarten came, that was new and scary for me, but not for him!!! He was so excited to get on that big yellow bus (which you may remember forgot him that first day which cause a lot of tears) and head off to school for the whole morning. His teacher was awesome and the kids in his class were the best! He made all new friends and learned so much, including how to read! He amazed me at how much he learned and how eager he was to learn. It was another great year for him and I of course adjusted to him being gone every day, even if it was only a half day.

Now, we're on to first grade. YIKES! How did he get so old? How did I get so old? He has a few kids in his class from last year, and I'm comfortable with him riding the bus (but he doesn't want to anymore, it's "boring") and I love his school and am super excited about his teacher. I just don't want him to be gone all day! I know he's going to enjoy it, he's excited to eat lunch at school and about the fish tank in his classroom. I know he'll do fine, even though he's bound to be grumpy and tired when he gets home from such a long day.

So with tears in my eyes, I'll watch him get on that bus tomorrow morning. I'll put on a brave face so he doesn't know just how hard it is for me. I'll kiss him and tell him he'll do great and that there's nothing to worry about. But I'll worry every minute until he's back safely at home tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll probably do the same on Wednesday, I know it will get easier after awhile, but for now, it's just so hard to let go. But that's part of growing up, for both of us.

Happy Birthday Dear Nathan!!!

My baby Nathan is growing up! Today is his sixth birthday. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. I can't believe six years have passed since I first looked into those beautiful eyes of his. I never knew just how much I could love someone until I held my baby boy. It's just amazing. He is an awesome kid. He can be very challenging, very strong-willed, but I can't imagine him any other way. He is who he is, bluntly honest, silly, always trying to get a laugh, and I'll take him just that way. I wouldn't change him for the world.

Happy Birthday Nathan!

I love you so much!

Baby Nathan

Moving on...

I haven't really posted much this summer, and what I have posted has been a little, well, depressing, to say the least. For the first few days after Jana passed away, I just didn't know how I was going to go on. I didn't know if I'd be able to be the person I've always been. Or how I'd be able to be that person. A major part of my life was gone. The one person I could reminisce with and laugh with, who shared a major portion of my life with...gone. Gone before I even had a chance to say good-bye.

How does a person get over that? Well, they don't. I don't think I'll ever "get over it" but I will "get on with it." Life, that is.

And I don't think I will ever be the person I was before. I actually think in a lot of ways, I will be a better person because of it, because of the way Jana lived. All the things I admire in Jana are the things I need to get through this.

First and foremost...faith. Jana was very proud to be a Christian, as am I, but she was never afraid to tell people about it, and that's something I hope to be able to do a little better. Without my faith, and the promise of heaven I don't know how I would be able to cope.

Secondly, a can-do attitude. Jana wasn't afraid to try anything. I've always been much more cautious. But believing in myself and knowing, with time, this pain will begin to heal is something I really need.

Third, a sense of humor. Jana was always laughing and her laughter was contagious. She was always cracking jokes (often at the expense of "your momma") and lived life to the fullest. Those first few days when I thought I couldn't do anything I just remember thinking that I had to, for Jana's sake. She wouldn't want me, or anyone, sitting around feeling sad, but rather laughing at the memories we shared with her. And I've done just that. I've continued to live and make new memories. Some of them have been hard...she should have been involved in making some of those memories, and it just wasn't the same without her. But for the rest of us here, life goes on, and we should enjoy it.

There were many other things I admired about Jana, but these are the top three that have helped me. The way Jana lived makes her death easier to deal with. No wondering where she is now, or what she'd want from us. I do miss her, but we've continued to enjoy our summer as a family, exactly like I know she'd want us to. Thank you Jana, for all these lessons you're teaching me. And thank you for living life as you did, you are missed and loved.

My summer loss

It's been a rough summer. At the end of May, my grandpa passed away. He had been sick for awhile and it was kind of a relief to know he was no longer in pain. June 8th, as we were getting ready for his funeral, Dustin's cell phone rang. Dustin was in the shower and I was upstairs getting my clothes around so we didn't even bother to answer it. When Dustin got around to checking his voice mail a little while later, it was Grammy (my mom's mom) and she sounded hysterical and told us it was an emergency and to call her right away. I figured it was car trouble or something else she was overreacting to, but I called her back right away.

The news that I got then is the worst news I have ever had...my sister had died. I didn't believe it, there was just no way. She'd been suffering from kidney stones, but otherwise was healthy. It just couldn't be!!! The rest of that afternoon was kind of a blur. I remember functioning only because I had to. Why me? Why now? We arranged for the boys to spend the night at Dustin's parents and went down to see Jana. The whole 2 hour-plus ride was pretty much silent. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go to the hospital and actually see her, I wasn't even sure I wanted to. But I'm glad I did. She looked very peaceful and very angelic. The week to follow was just so surreal. How could my 30-year-old just married sister pass away? But I dealt with it the best I could that week and have continued to do things as planned this summer. I know that's what she would want me to do.

Just as things were starting to get a little easier emotionally, God threw us another curve ball. Dustin's grandpa passed away July 3rd. Again, like my grandpa, this wasn't a complete surprise. He hadn't been in the best of health for a few years and had just found out he had cancer again. But still, any death is difficult, no matter the circumstances. I certainly never would have thought I'd be able to deal with three in about 6 weeks.

I've decided God must think I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I know He takes people from us for a reason, and while I may not understand that reason now, I will someday. I am getting by. It hasn't been easy for me, but we've been staying busy and trying to move on. So many people have offered so much kindness through all of this and I don't really know where to begin thanking them. So if you are reading this and you know of our hard time and have thought of us, prayed for us, sent us cards, made us dinner, watched the kids, or offered to do anything during this difficult time, please know that it is greatly appreciated.

Jana: Sister, Friend, Child of God

JANA

August 28th 1978-June 8th 2009

Why did she have to go?

So young I just don't know why.

Things happen half the time

Without reason without rhyme.

Lovely, sweet young woman-

Daughter, wife and mother.

Makes no sense to me,

I just have to believe,

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees.

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting,

And I know she's smiling saying,

Don't worry 'bout me.

Loved ones she left behind,

Just trying to survive,

And understand the why,

Feeling so lost inside.

Anger shot straight at God,

Then asking for His love.

Empty with disbelief,

Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees.

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting,

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me.

It's hard to say goodbye,

Her picture in my mind

Will always be of times I'll cherish

And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees.

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me.

Don't worry 'bout me.

Don't worry 'bout me.

(Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson)

Jana, I miss you so much already. I know we didn't talk everyday, or even every week. But just knowing I can't talk to you makes me so sad. I know where you are right now, and I know that I'll see you again. Keep them laughing up in heaven, I can't wait to hear your laugh again someday. You will always remain in my heart. The tears we will cry through the years are for us, we know you are in glory and that you will never hurt or be sad again, and for that I praise God. Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many people, I know you helped to win many hearts for Jesus. How amazing it must have been to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I love you, I always have (though I might not have admitted it) and always will!

Memorial Day

It wasn't until recently that I really started to "get" what Memorial Day really meant. Sure, I knew it was a day to honor and remember those who gave their lives for their country. But to me, as it is to many, it was just a much-needed day off of school and the kick-off to summer. Overall, it was always a fun weekend. But lately it has began to mean so much more. I don't know if it's simply because I'm older or because I've had a cousin (in-law) and some friends from high school who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan (whom all thankfully came home safe) but I've become a lot more patriotic over the last several years. Now I take the time to reflect on what the day truly means, and I'd like to thank everyone who has ever served for our great nation, I know you guys don't always get the respect you deserve, but you certainly have mine.

Like Mother, Like Son

Nathan in his "pig-flu" mask.

It looks like somebody else

is on their way to becoming

a full-fledged paranoid

germaphobe! No, actually

they got them on a field trip

to the hospital and I thought

it was funny because they

looked like those masks everyone

is wearing.

Babies or Big Boys?

My babies are growing up! Case in point: they are not "babies" anymore, though every mother knows their children will always be their babies no matter how old they get.

It dawned on me when I got a note home about some activities planned for Nathan's last day of school. I realized that was only a little over a month away. In just over a month I will have a first grader! How on earth did that happen? It seems like yesterday we brought him home from the hospital. How did my precious newborn turn into an almost-first-grader? I must have blinked and missed that.

My moment with Matthew came when I changed a dirty diaper yesterday and I realized that it was the first one I'd had to do in a couple weeks. He's a big boy! He doesn't need diaper changes very often because he doesn't wear diapers very often and when he does he usually keeps them clean and dry. I got a little sad when I realized my diaper changing days are almost over. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic to not have to do that all the time, it's not the most pleasant job in the world, but it means my Matty is getting big.

I just don't know how to feel about them growing up. One part of me is so excited to see the things they will do and the men they will become. But another part of me wants to keep them babies forever and ever. It's so bittersweet. I miss them being tiny cuddly newborns and the nervous and excited feeling of wondering what it would be like to raise them and if we'd be good parents. When Nathan was born I had zero experience with babies. I mean zero! I changed a diaper for the first time when I was seven months pregnant with him, it was a friend's baby, and I asked to do it just to make sure I would be able to figure it out when I had my own baby. Obviously I did manage to get it figured out. All those little things I wasn't sure I'd be able to do, I did. I remember everything being so frightening though. Would I be able to nurse them properly? Would I bathe them the right way? Would I know if they were crying because they were sick or hungry or tired or wet? I loved every minute of it, but it scared me none the less. But I did it. I know I didn't get everything right all the time, but I did it.

Now we're on to whole new worries and fears. I've got bath time down, and feeding and all the other basics. But now it's on to even more important stuff. Now it's time to mold my boys into the young men I want them to become. Young men who have a servant's heart. Young men who aren't afraid to stand up to others and what they believe in. Young men who are respectful to their elders, their peers and even themselves. Wow, I guess I didn't realize back then what a big job I signed up for! I find myself praying more and more these days. Not only for the safety of my children, but for the wisdom to guide them in the direction they should go. I thank God every day for giving me this opportunity, and no matter how old they get, I will love my "babies".

Titus 3:1-2~Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for any honest work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all men.

Can you believe it?

When I was trying to think of something to post about, I had a few thoughts. First, I thought maybe I would tell you that I was expecting another baby, then I thought maybe I'd tell you that Dustin and I are going through a hard time and are thinking about getting a divorce. Then I thought maybe I'd tell you that I won $28,000 in the lottery last weekend. If I were to tell you any of that though, would you believe me? If yes, check the date and think it over again.

But, what I am about to tell you actually did happen. Go ahead and sign me up for the "Mother of the Year" award right now. (Please note the sarcasm!)

This morning I decided to take Matthew to the library for story time. We don't get to go very often, because usually it's on Tuesdays while I am helping in Nathan's classroom. But today was special, it was Easter stories and an egg hunt. Matthew had a good time and didn't want to leave so I let him stay for quite awhile. My original plan was to go to the library, go grocery shopping and then pick Nathan up from school. Since we stayed so long at the library, I still had time for my shopping but knew I wouldn't get to the school on time so figured Nathan could just ride the bus home. Just as I was pulling out of the parking lot (with about a half hour to spare before the bus would be to our house) my cell phone rang. Nobody ever calls me on my cell, I answered it expecting it to be Dustin, but it was the school secretary. I think my heart dropped a mile. I was afraid something had happened. Well, something had happened.....Nathan didn't get on the bus because he thought I was picking him up! So I rushed to the school expecting to find Nathan scared or mad or both. But fortunately when I walked into the office he was looking at books and not a bit upset. Phew! I told him it was an April Fool's joke and he laughed. I thought he knew if he didn't see me to get on the bus, but since I hadn't specifically told him that this morning, he didn't know. Oh well, all's well that ends well.

And for the record, none of the things in the first paragraph are true. Sorry Tammy, no more grandbabies from me, at least not for awhile.